I'm tested and it's proven that one of the strongholds in my life has not been overcome yet. When the voice of argument arises, my spirit trembles, like usual, I couldn't hold the tears which filled with fear. This voice is so familiar throughout the years, it has not been a change.
AGAIN, the same issue again when the voice arises. WHY?
Same reason is applied to my life since I'm in relationship. Lacking communication, can cause misunderstanding, and it leads no trust to each party. Why communication is so important though we've been knowing a person for so long, because both grow up in different background, being trained to communicate in different ways, both channel are not the same. How God makes known himself, thru communication! How does He communicate? Thru words! He made it clear, His instruction, His desire, His heart for His people, even then, we still misunderstand Him. We can't read people's mind, some more our minds are polluted and have a lot of blockages, how do we know each other if we do not communicate, that's why our minds always carry a lot of judgement and wrong understanding about others.
It doesn't mean that if we communicate more and more, matters are made crystal clear. It has come to the right way of communication, then it can just be worked out. Communicate properly, communicate without hiding a single thought of wronging others, communicate without judgemental spirit, communicate without having self interest or benefit, communicate without pride or wanting to win over, communicate with forgiving heart...
I cannot figure out why am I grown in this environment. As I grow older, I see the problems because I'm well nurtured in the church environment and taught the right ways. I know the root cause. Some more, I'm the combination of 2 problematic persons, I'm going thru almost the same issues. Bad thing is I'm imparted a lot of fears in my life. But good thing is the Lord is gracious to me. I'm different because He is helping, shaping and moulding me in order not to grow into the same root. It's a painful process!
I rather strive for my life out there instead staying in this environment. There's always a struggle to come back. It's a place filled with fear.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Stop!!!
Some people wondered why I deactivated my Facebook account lately.
Facebook, it's a nice place to pour out our heart and being outspoken if you like.
But I have a problem, is that I like to use Facebook to attack people if I'm under attack. In order to keep my promise to Jesus to be a better person, so, one good way to stop attack is to deactivate it till I'm calm down.
I'm sure, before I said this, some people misunderstood me and judged my motive already. Well, I'm ok with it...just to accept that being judgmental is a common mistake that happens in a fallen world!
Facebook, it's a nice place to pour out our heart and being outspoken if you like.
But I have a problem, is that I like to use Facebook to attack people if I'm under attack. In order to keep my promise to Jesus to be a better person, so, one good way to stop attack is to deactivate it till I'm calm down.
I'm sure, before I said this, some people misunderstood me and judged my motive already. Well, I'm ok with it...just to accept that being judgmental is a common mistake that happens in a fallen world!
Who is Confused?!
If we often deny what we have said, then I suggest we need to really check ourselves.
People will not simply accuse us of our saying, if we did say and other did hear, it means we did 'say'. We cannot consistently accuse other hear us wrongly. It is we are confused or we are not good in our communication.
People like that are very dangerous. You may see others slowly may not want to listen to such person who is confusing in his word or speech. Others will doubt what is the truth. Especially a preacher/speaker, we must be clear of what we said.
There is one way to help us see through ourselves. Is to record our own speech. someone taught the preacher to listen to their sermons, then they found out actually what they said have a lot of mistake. Only by this, that person itself realize the need to change himself first, not others.
If we are not consistent or even confused by our speech, this causes the communication breakdown, it is not surprised others will shut down and will not want to approach such person. If we as a speaker or preacher often deny we can make mistake, that will grow defiant, then pride is built up, then destruction will come!
What a Tragedy!
People will not simply accuse us of our saying, if we did say and other did hear, it means we did 'say'. We cannot consistently accuse other hear us wrongly. It is we are confused or we are not good in our communication.
People like that are very dangerous. You may see others slowly may not want to listen to such person who is confusing in his word or speech. Others will doubt what is the truth. Especially a preacher/speaker, we must be clear of what we said.
There is one way to help us see through ourselves. Is to record our own speech. someone taught the preacher to listen to their sermons, then they found out actually what they said have a lot of mistake. Only by this, that person itself realize the need to change himself first, not others.
If we are not consistent or even confused by our speech, this causes the communication breakdown, it is not surprised others will shut down and will not want to approach such person. If we as a speaker or preacher often deny we can make mistake, that will grow defiant, then pride is built up, then destruction will come!
What a Tragedy!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
I Have Not Changed!
I've so been sick for a month. But for this whole month I've experienced God a lot.
Hebrews 4:15!
This verse keeps me going on. It encourages me when I was disappointed. When I see the return is 'half-hearted' or not genuine, Jesus comforts me all these disappointment he had gone through, just that He did not sin. People are selfish though they may appear good but the final goal is still self-oriented. I felt that people have been taking me for granted, making use of my genuine heart.
I have lose heart!
All this while, I've been working so hard to improve in my weaknesses. I thought that my labor in Christ has changed me to be better person. But when I receive words
'I Have Not Changed'...it just reflect I have labored in vain. It's very hurt!
I wanted to give up while I am fighting to overcome all these, this verse still keeps me going on. But the sad thing is, no matter how I tried to recall the good moment, blessing from the Bishop and Rev KV on the relationships, I still can't let go of the word and pain. Friends fail us. Our love ones hurt us.
I have given whole-hearted, yet I received 'half' and yet not genuine.
For a month, I've been so hard trying to express. I can't! I have not found anyone that can bear with me, who hear me from the bottom of my heart.
Perhaps, I shouldn't change, so I won't feel the pain today! I would rather being the past me, being the one who hardened the heart! Then I would not invite troubles and pain!
Jesus still the one who is true to me!
Hebrews 4:15!
This verse keeps me going on. It encourages me when I was disappointed. When I see the return is 'half-hearted' or not genuine, Jesus comforts me all these disappointment he had gone through, just that He did not sin. People are selfish though they may appear good but the final goal is still self-oriented. I felt that people have been taking me for granted, making use of my genuine heart.
I have lose heart!
All this while, I've been working so hard to improve in my weaknesses. I thought that my labor in Christ has changed me to be better person. But when I receive words
'I Have Not Changed'...it just reflect I have labored in vain. It's very hurt!
I wanted to give up while I am fighting to overcome all these, this verse still keeps me going on. But the sad thing is, no matter how I tried to recall the good moment, blessing from the Bishop and Rev KV on the relationships, I still can't let go of the word and pain. Friends fail us. Our love ones hurt us.
I have given whole-hearted, yet I received 'half' and yet not genuine.
For a month, I've been so hard trying to express. I can't! I have not found anyone that can bear with me, who hear me from the bottom of my heart.
Perhaps, I shouldn't change, so I won't feel the pain today! I would rather being the past me, being the one who hardened the heart! Then I would not invite troubles and pain!
Jesus still the one who is true to me!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
The BEST Father!
Whenever I see children running around in the church compound my heart is filled joy to see them. They are pure, friendly and welcoming especially when they called me out loud...I feel accepted by these young men & ladies.
But recently I am struggling to overcome the bad memory of my childhood. It is just out of sudden it pop-out of my mind and troubles me a lot. A kind of difficult season to overcome it.
But someone told me he longs to be a father. He feels good and blessed being a father. When he holds a baby and taking a child, he has this desire being a father.
I'm sure he will be a good father, a good husband even!
But when I see the problems I've gone through and bearing the problems still, I have no confident to take care of my own children. I feel thatI've nothing good to give them. This is really sad.
So how?! I have a maker, a creator who decided my existence and birth. I can only depend only Him to make myself a better person. Parenthood decides the childhood. Mine had passed. I'm just hoping my children will be different. And my Father in Heaven is the only person I can learn from to give the best for my children!
He is the BEST Father!
But recently I am struggling to overcome the bad memory of my childhood. It is just out of sudden it pop-out of my mind and troubles me a lot. A kind of difficult season to overcome it.
But someone told me he longs to be a father. He feels good and blessed being a father. When he holds a baby and taking a child, he has this desire being a father.
I'm sure he will be a good father, a good husband even!
But when I see the problems I've gone through and bearing the problems still, I have no confident to take care of my own children. I feel thatI've nothing good to give them. This is really sad.
So how?! I have a maker, a creator who decided my existence and birth. I can only depend only Him to make myself a better person. Parenthood decides the childhood. Mine had passed. I'm just hoping my children will be different. And my Father in Heaven is the only person I can learn from to give the best for my children!
He is the BEST Father!
Friday, June 25, 2010
I Miss IT!
13 June - He ended his practical in All Saints'. Our holiday began. We were flying to Tawau at night together for the 1st time to meet his parents. We had our dinner @ MCD. Sounds enjoyable? But I was so nervous and having headache, STRESS!
14 June - We spent most of the time in preparation for dinner. We went to eat 'Sang Nyuk Mien' in the morning, going to St Patrick's Church then to meet with Archdeacon. But he was meeting up with somebody so we missed seeing him. At noon, we went to wet market to get everything that we need for the soup. We bought roast pork for lunch. Then we stayed at home (Tawau) just to boil the soup and watch movie. His mom also came back early to prepare dinner for us. It's rainy day!
15 June - We departed at 9am driving to SDK. It's his turn to meet my parents...wahahahah..!!! STRESS! Along the way, he has to suffer from my 'sickness'. We stopped by a petrol station then he bought 1.5L COLA (for himself). But half of the 1.5L is filling my stomach. That is why SUGAR RUSH! Haahahahah....i was laughing with no reasons....he was being tortured by me.....wahahahah!
We reached SDK at 3pm then he rested from long distance driving. He woke up and had dumpling...RM6 each oh...but has everything in it lah...KEKEKE....Mom cooked seafood (big prawns and fish) and wonderful chicken soup for us! Hurray!
16 June - This is the day that he didn't look forward to coming. It's festive and all my family members and relatives gathered to have dinner...STEAMBOAT! He has to meet and greet them 1 by 1...for him this is unfair lah...he's scared already with a big crowd at my house....hahahahaha...but he was well accepted by my family members loh...they treated him as if one of the member from us! GOOD beginning!
But in the morning we had 'pei dan gau'...and met our friends at Church.
17 June - Oohh...we had to leave to Tawau...we had prawn mee at SDK before we left SDK. This time he only bought 2 cans of COLA. Surprisingly I was not laughing all along the journey but felt exhausted. This time the journey was not so exciting as before. It's because happy moment almost comes to an end.
We reached Tawau at 3pm. Then he went for haircut. He bought me pancake. After that we have not hanged around Tawau loo.... At night, we spent time with his family members watching football together...Argentina Vs Korea (4-1)! Then we spent time to count our blessing, sharing our happy moment and our family members. It's like a summary of our holiday...
18 June - This is the hardest day for us. We had to depart from Tawau and go back to where we are. Funny thing is that he was supposed to leave TODAY but mistake happens, so he delayed his flight till Monday! I felt for him but I'm a bit happy also...coz he can still spend a little bit of time with me in Tawau as my flight is at noon and I'm not going to see him leaving me rather he would! So selfish? But i considered this is answered prayer! Hahahahaha....
I would never forget this wonderful time!
14 June - We spent most of the time in preparation for dinner. We went to eat 'Sang Nyuk Mien' in the morning, going to St Patrick's Church then to meet with Archdeacon. But he was meeting up with somebody so we missed seeing him. At noon, we went to wet market to get everything that we need for the soup. We bought roast pork for lunch. Then we stayed at home (Tawau) just to boil the soup and watch movie. His mom also came back early to prepare dinner for us. It's rainy day!
15 June - We departed at 9am driving to SDK. It's his turn to meet my parents...wahahahah..!!! STRESS! Along the way, he has to suffer from my 'sickness'. We stopped by a petrol station then he bought 1.5L COLA (for himself). But half of the 1.5L is filling my stomach. That is why SUGAR RUSH! Haahahahah....i was laughing with no reasons....he was being tortured by me.....wahahahah!
We reached SDK at 3pm then he rested from long distance driving. He woke up and had dumpling...RM6 each oh...but has everything in it lah...KEKEKE....Mom cooked seafood (big prawns and fish) and wonderful chicken soup for us! Hurray!
16 June - This is the day that he didn't look forward to coming. It's festive and all my family members and relatives gathered to have dinner...STEAMBOAT! He has to meet and greet them 1 by 1...for him this is unfair lah...he's scared already with a big crowd at my house....hahahahaha...but he was well accepted by my family members loh...they treated him as if one of the member from us! GOOD beginning!
But in the morning we had 'pei dan gau'...and met our friends at Church.
17 June - Oohh...we had to leave to Tawau...we had prawn mee at SDK before we left SDK. This time he only bought 2 cans of COLA. Surprisingly I was not laughing all along the journey but felt exhausted. This time the journey was not so exciting as before. It's because happy moment almost comes to an end.
We reached Tawau at 3pm. Then he went for haircut. He bought me pancake. After that we have not hanged around Tawau loo.... At night, we spent time with his family members watching football together...Argentina Vs Korea (4-1)! Then we spent time to count our blessing, sharing our happy moment and our family members. It's like a summary of our holiday...
18 June - This is the hardest day for us. We had to depart from Tawau and go back to where we are. Funny thing is that he was supposed to leave TODAY but mistake happens, so he delayed his flight till Monday! I felt for him but I'm a bit happy also...coz he can still spend a little bit of time with me in Tawau as my flight is at noon and I'm not going to see him leaving me rather he would! So selfish? But i considered this is answered prayer! Hahahahaha....
I would never forget this wonderful time!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Keep me longer!!
I heard a news from a friend today that her sickness comes back since operation happened in a year ago.
This kind of sickness actually is very common nowadays...it's caused by the imbalance of the hormones in our body that caused the growth of 'tumors'..this sickness namely Endotriomesis can come back if we don't keep watch of our body.
When i heard that I also worry about myself because I also have pain since I recovered from it 3 weeks ago. I'm praying hard that the Lord will keep my body from this sickness again. I believe His complete healing. I'm praying that the Lord will keep me longer for the sake of His Glory...
This kind of sickness actually is very common nowadays...it's caused by the imbalance of the hormones in our body that caused the growth of 'tumors'..this sickness namely Endotriomesis can come back if we don't keep watch of our body.
When i heard that I also worry about myself because I also have pain since I recovered from it 3 weeks ago. I'm praying hard that the Lord will keep my body from this sickness again. I believe His complete healing. I'm praying that the Lord will keep me longer for the sake of His Glory...
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